I'm a freshman. I'll be appraciate it if you'd point out the mistakes of translation and send it to my mailbox(holy.holly@qq.com), I'll correct them. MUCHO GRACIAS!
主演：安娜·法瑞丝
主演：克里斯·埃文斯
床伴逐个数/先生你哪位？(台译)/翻兜有情郎(港译) WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
为什么你每天早上都那么棒啊？
是吗？额……
亲爱的，我走了
哦！我做了天培香肠呢！
我在想，你愿不愿意当我的男伴去出席我妹妹的婚礼？
可以选择素食，我查过了
你爸妈会去吗？
去我妹妹的婚礼？我想会吧
只是感觉严肃了点
哦
抱歉，只是……
你昨晚是从我后面X的，感觉有点严重……
还看不见你的脸，所以……
如果你想上床，可以call我
谢了Rick，你真大方！
耶~
- 再见！ - 记得要穿绿色的哦！
Colin，快点！
Ally，我两个月前就打算告诉你
不要和Rick谈下去了
为啥呢？
你爱吃肉，你恨骑自行车的！
- 我真的爱吃肉！ - 说真的
我总是会担心他用的那招“老汉推车(doggy-style)”
有些人喜欢，你懂的
不可能，没人喜欢
甚至是狗也只会想着快点结束
在我遇到真命天子之前我得经历多少段感情啊？
很明显，一大堆
嗨~ 我就是新娘，我叫Daisy……
- 同志们好！ - 好！
就现在。在想还是在闻？
毫无疑问，在闻！
很明显，他在想嘛！
无论她说什么都会发人深思
如果她在谈论他手指头的味道的话，就像真的了
- Ally - 嗨
李连杰和李小龙没关系
“李”是中国非常普通的姓氏
他们都会武功，但是……
别脱，穿着
Ok，我待会儿再打给你
亲爱的，你被FIRE了
对不起，因为我们不得不忍痛割爱……
还有谁被炒了？
额……目前
就你一个
妈，我待会儿再打给你，我在开会，好吗？
（妖艳女装应对办公到天黑）
姐不需要
（食物秤，你的新朋友？）
不！
你睡过几个？（你和几个男人睡过？太多？ 太少？睡过几个说明你什么？）
（女人一生中的情人平均数为10.5个） 10.5？哦，放屁！
抱歉！
书上说女人一生中的情人
平均数为10.5个
是啊，怎么那么多啊？
多？那太少了！
- 10.5太少了！- 随你怎么说
（和我睡过的人列表）
还有Valerio!
哦，你终于来了！
嗨，妈
哦，抱歉
真不好意思，火车误点了，你看起来不错！
我留长了留海
哦，Rick呢？
Rick因公事出差了
哦，干你妹，我还说终于可以见到他了呢！
至少这一位不会做动物状的气球！
你为什么不穿我买给你的那件？
这就是啊！
什么？怎么和穿这衣服的模特那么不一样啊！
- Daisy在楼上吗？ - 她在，她搜桑了~
我上去看看她
去吧
- 你堂弟Beau来了！ - 不是亲的！
他不是我亲堂弟，我们没血缘关系！
还有Beau……
嗨
感谢上帝你来了
自从Eddie的爸妈来了以后，妈就像只母狗一样
她就是无法相信她的婚姻结束在他们之前
哦，爸也快来了
她又有一个人来给她发泄仇恨了
恩，爸没来，她没叫我请他来
你请他来你的婚礼吗？
不知道
令人讨厌的木偶人的真名叫什么？
你指那个住隔壁让我迷恋的家伙？Gerry Perry。
Gerry Perry！谢谢……
你在写神马？
没什么，就写一些祝酒词的提示
要押韵吗？
看情况。什么跟“orgy”押韵啊？
三分钟内就行。Ready？
- 你看起来不错嘛 - 谢啦
你先去吧，我待会儿下来
Ok
8，9，10，11
12，13，14，15
16，17，18，19
他妈的，有19个！
请大家注意
请大家注意一下，我想谢谢到场的每一个人
- 每个人…… - 哼
真可爱
Beau！
他在咪咪上会有点粗糙
……来庆祝我的梦想成真，Daisy和Eddie的订婚
大家都知道，我们家喜欢为别人祝酒
那么，来滚球球，Daisy的姐姐Ally？
Ally
Hello
当Daisy告诉我，她和Eddie在约会
我不敢相信
噢~
我问，“是Eddie Vogel吗？”
“在高中和你出去玩的那个猪？”
“他是他们里面最二的一个二逼”
比Baby Hands还二！你们还记得他吗？
Baby Hands
你们知道Eddie是怎么和她分的吗？
他约了她最好的朋友，她今晚也在这儿
Sheila，起立
但是……
但是
当Eddie在同学聚会上看见Daisy时
他意识到他犯了一个很大的错误
我没有恶意，Sheila
而现在，Eddie真棒
他变了很多
除了他那张脸没变
上帝！我真希望能回到高中同学聚会
但我留长留海了
我一直在留留海。不要留海！
那么，敬Daisy和Eddie！
敬Daisy和Eddie，还有你的单身！
敬Daisy和Eddie！
Ok，现在是游戏时间
- 游戏？蒸的吗？ - 当然！
但是，玩什么呢？玩什么呢？
我们来写“你睡过几个”
- 好想法，Katie - 虾米？
Ok，我们只需要几张纸还有饮料。马上回来！
城市里有这么多酒吧 （卡萨布兰卡经典台词，原文：Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.全世界有这么多城市，城市里有这么多酒吧，可她却偏偏来到我的酒吧。）
全世界有这么多陈词滥调 （卡萨布兰卡经典台词，原文：Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.全世界有这么多城市，城市里有这么多酒吧，可她却偏偏来到我的酒吧。）
我不知道让你被解雇有那么难
我不必再去嘲笑你，因为你不再是我的老板了
我来埋单，今天感觉糟透了
是吗？
谢了，再说我也付不起
我能跟你说实话吗？
你怎么看都不喜欢做营销
我喜欢
是，但你不爱它
我想我帮了你个忙
现在你可以去找一份你喜欢的工作，为你喜欢的老板工作
我喜欢你
真的吗？有多喜欢？
她买了一整瓶，是吗？
Ok，只要写下“你睡过几个”
然后扔到玻璃杯里
然后我们一人拿一张，看看这张纸是谁的
Daisy，你先来
4个
- 哦，是我 - 呀！
不不不，不该这样玩儿！
我们要猜！
谁不要猜Katie？她好像12岁就嫁给了Matt
- 我很吃惊你还睡过那么多！ - 好吧！
Katie，到你了！
8个……是Daisy！
好吧，我比你多一倍
6个
- Jamie？ - 是，那是我的
等等，你睡过7个
- 我没和Lars睡过！- 你睡过了！
不，他只X进去一小点，所以不算
-X进去多少？- 那么多
什么意思？完全是在放屁，我又不知道Lars的那根有多大？
我知道，算进去
Ok，那么要X进去多少才算？
X进去就算
好吧，7个。不，8个
- 他妈的，8个 - 不错嘛
Ok，Jamie，到你了
13个
13个？谁睡过13个？
我
- 你个贱货！ - 你没用了！荡妇！
- Sheila！- 荡妇！
你个淫荡的贱货！
有什么大不了的？
有13根金箍棒X进过同一个洞啊！
又不是同时一起进的
你知道个屁啊！我过了。Ally，到你了
Ok
哦！
哇，看看，9个
我写了我自己的。Game over了！
等等，有一个“1”，是你的吗？
- 额…… - 哦，佛祖啊
你睡过91个！
没有，是9个！
你睡过19个
19个！
Hello，盆友！
好吧，我承认，我睡过19个
到了全国平均值的两倍，悲剧……
看看，在《嘉人》上有一整篇文章说这个
我还以为玩这个游戏会让我对“数字”好过一点
但我觉得火车上无家可归的老太太是对的。我睡过的太多了！
很显然，在美国有96%的……
睡过20个或以上的女人找不到男人
- 它写的真是20个吗？ - 恩
管他的，谁做的研究啊？
科学家会上《嘉人》吗？
嘿，这本杂志教我如何达到高潮！
实际上，这项研究是Helen Fig博士做的
一位哈佛大学的博士后研究员
Shit！
我总是在我的实践中看到
当你过度性成熟，它会扰乱你的自尊
接下来，你45了，没有自尊，没有老公
骨盆底不会肌紧张
好吧，但我是不会这样的
哈佛说20就是极限
我睡过19个，说明我还有机会
Ok
我要做一份声明
闭嘴，我在做声明
我再也不会和任何一个上床，除非我确定他就是我的唯一
我可能不会太多控制
但我绝对会控制我的骨盆底
那个参观过我的希望之家的人 （casa (de) esperanza，西班牙语，意为house of hope）
就是我的丈夫
- 不错！ - Yeah
敬对自己命运的掌握！
敬更好的作出决定和贯彻目标
敬更好的作出决定和目标~！
敬第20个！
哦，天哪……
哦，不，我的天哪……
嗨
- 我和我的前老板睡了……- Carol？
我刚被炒的那个工作
- 你被FIRE了？- 都是你的错！
昨晚，当我试图带你走的时候，你吐了我一身
但是……恭喜了
你说第20个就是你的老公，现在你睡过第20个啦
- 闭嘴！- 我必须承认
我没有想到你会那么快
但是我好兴奋哦
嘿，Eddie，Ally要结婚了
- 不错！- 他很激动！
我知道你是个贱货，但是他可能是我的老公
也许，这就是命吧，现在我们有了一个可以讲给我们孙子的故事了
我不知道为什么之前我没有考虑过他
他不是我老公！！！！！！！
- 早上好！ - 早上好！
- 你厕所里的纸没了 - Ok
你煮咖啡了吗？
没有，在你去厕所的路上有一家星巴克
好吧，你有报纸吗？
米有
- 早上好，6-C。- 这不是我的
好吧，我被锁外面了
什么钥匙、钱包都锁里面了。借你电话一用
当然，等我拿给你
Roger，我们待会儿再聊
因为现在6-A需要帮助
- Colin - 嗨
- 很高兴认识你 - 恩
那么
今晚一起吃饭怎样？
- 今晚？- 恩
今晚我们有居民会议
哦，是的，居民会议
我们在想办法把那只吵人的鸟赶出去
我们想出办法以后再call你
也许是我们下次再见面的时候
Ok
拜
嗨，我叫Roger
嘿，你不觉得走出你公寓的那个女人
可以解决你“被锁外面”的问题吗？
Ok
出了一点小状况，我需要隐蔽
额……不像你这里的情况，所以我……
骗了她，然后再骗我？
我所考虑的是试图回避她的感情
哇
真不错，你从哪儿买的？
我自己做的
- 不可能 - 才怪
听着，我不想和你的“睡波士顿所有的女人”运动
有任何联系，Ok？
他们有点象我的姐妹
哇，我以为你比他们NB多了
我在YouTube上看见你的祝酒词了
看起来你很有幽默感
那些贱货把我的祝酒词贴在YouTube上？
你怎么就看了呢？
我在Google快讯上找到了这栋楼的每一个人！
我来自警察之家，所以“挖东西”是我的天性
4-D的那家伙要把他的狗嫁了
- 不！那土匪？ - 是啊
好了，好像海岸线安全了
谢了，桃子（Peach）
不谢，猪（Pig）
真好吃
好了，够了。我认为只是来试吃奶油的
为什么？没有人想再看我的裸体
我也会很享受啊
恩，像是你真的要成为独身主义者一样
我没得选，我说过要在第20个面前停止
现在呢，我真的要感谢那个闻手指的八辈儿祖宗来X我 我睡过20个了
你保证，不要把我放在单身的那桌
和Sheila和他妈，谢谢了
座位真的复杂
等等
- 那家伙你看起来眼熟吗？- 不
哦，天哪
什么？
那是让人恶心的Donald！我和他约过会
- 我见过他吗？- 没人见过
因为他我才学的烹饪！
没吃的了，宝贝，今晚我们出去吃吧
我不知道，外面好多人呢！
走嘛，我想试试那家人人都在议论的韩国铁板烧！
我会做韩国铁板烧啊，需要些什么？
可以烧烤的桌子
那人看起来根本不恶心啊，而且他看上去还很可爱
我知道，但就是他啊！
好啊，上去打个招呼吧
Ally？
- Donald？- 我的佛祖啊！
- 是你啊！- 嗨
我无法相信自己的眼睛啊！
哦，Ally这是我的未婚妻，Cara
- 嗨 - 这是Ally
- 很高兴认识你 - 我也是
哇，那么你们是怎么认识的？
- 在一次会议上 - 在一次会议上
你能相信吗？她是一个火箭科学家
- 我才不是呢 - 是的，你是
实际上，我只是一个工程师，但他喜欢那样说
- 我不是典型的……- 我懂我懂
我和Ally是老朋友了
那么，你在这干嘛？
我只是在试一些蛋糕
为我的婚礼
- 哦！ - 我也是要嫁给一位科学家
他也是看起来也不大精干
我和我妹妹在一起
因为他决定在北极处理整个冰盖的情况
- 哦 - 是的
他大概会做好的
我无法相信他说我们只是朋友
就像是我就是令人尴尬的人
他有了男人的胸，好多毛的那种
天哪，我真无法相信他们是同一个人
他现在看起来多棒，甚至看起来更高了
许多男人会随着年龄的增长变得越来越不错
你在说你自己的吧，Eddie以前真是个二逼
人是会变的
你说对了
Daisy，你是个天才
我不必起当单身主义者或者是过“20”了
什么意思？
Donald不会是唯一一个随着时间而改变的前男朋友！
Ok
爱你
好了
Ok，哈
Jake Adams的老爸
Jake Adams的Facebook.
Ok
Jake Adams三世
不，Jake Adams四世
哦，算了吧，继续吧
下一个是谁？
Mike Miller
1100万条搜索结果？
他妈的
来自新泽西州Cresskill
800万条搜索结果？搞什么J8啊？
Mike Miller，来自新泽西州Cresskill，对Bruce Springsteen痴迷
蛋大，但棒小
什么啊，不，天哪！
给我停下来！
拜拜
蛋……
这不是我的错
我告诉过你不要放这儿
放床下
嗨
早上好，6-C
嘿，你又有来访者了！
我只是想很速度的问你个问题
记得你说过你善于“挖东西”吗？
我可以付给你钱让你帮我找些人，你觉得呢？
亲爱的，如果你要我帮你，你该多给我点资料啊
就是些和我约过会的
哦，你有疱疹啊，这样做决定可不好玩
没有，只是……
怎么说呢？
只是我觉得其中一个值得来第二次
不，我拒绝当二逼
我不知道为什么他们和你掰了，但我必须保护他们
停！你为什么都在假设是他们和我掰了？
因为你像那种会做“坏事”的女生
但有人称之为乐观主义啊
我认为就是二
浪费口水，我就知道你是个混蛋
别气啊，我又没说不和你睡
额……真他妈恶心！
Colin！Colin，快开门啊，Colin！
Colin快走！妈在浴盆里跌倒了！
- 什么？- 是啊，她倒在浴盆里了！
嗨
她现在在医院，她全身都……湿了
我们要快点！
现在估计他们正在帮她烘干
抱歉了，你看起来真的很棒
我保证他会打电话给你的，但我们现在要走了
快点，她zen的搜桑了！
给人印象深刻
恩
你帮我去找我的前男友，我帮你甩掉你的女友
怎么不保护你的姐妹了？
如果她们没看见你来了，她们活该
佛祖啊
房间是排成一条线的啊，有木有
并且这儿就是你的避难所了
- 给你 - 谢谢
谢了，Diana
以下是那些人的资料
姓名，目前的电话号码
在听吗？还有地址
找出谁还活着，谁还没娶，还有就是要住在东海岸 （波士顿在美国东海岸），Ok？
我去找车，或者是火车，别想要飞机
我按重要性贴出了个单子，从头开始
Jake Adams，跑掉的那个？
可以这么说
他和他老爹的名字一样，而且是半个波士顿人
- 所以他很容易找到 - Jake Adams一家？
他可能不难找
但我保证他很难搞定
你没有电话地址之类的吗？
如果我有，你就可以滚了
我只知道Tom Piper快要党参议员了
还有，把John Kimble挪到第三位
他可能还在星巴克工作，但是他是让我感觉最性福的一个
你还没和我上过呢
不，但是我和那些过度自信却又挣扎得要死的搞音乐的上过
所以，我还不错啦
是什么让你觉得我是个搞音乐的？
你公寓里的吉他，还有就是你的穿着像一个好色的年轻人
我付了三明治的钱，你个死搞音乐的
我还是不懂，你何必那么麻烦？
重新找一新的不就结了
不，不要新的
新的总比旧的好
对于你来说
我敢打赌和你相处最长时间的是三明治
- 真漂酿！- 是啊
你真打算让我们在你的婚礼上穿的漂漂亮亮的吗？
没有，这件是老妈的，那些才是伴娘礼服
Sorry啦，被老妈挑走了
我要哄着她嘛
因为我请老爸了
- 你告诉她了吗？ - 还没
Oh, wow!
我认为这件不错，是吧？
真漂酿！
- 是啊 - 我爱死这件婚纱了
好多“纱”啊
我就喜欢
你不会想入洞房还穿着吧？
- 我不知道了，看情况 - 你那么淫荡，你当然会
我只是在担心，这个婚纱一层又一层
我怕他找不到洞
- 有道理 - 我是说，别想69式了
他不会的
- 维森么呢？- 因为她是成年人了
69式适合你17岁用
你想在你父母回家之前一次性把那个塞进去
谢了
Matt他就是喜欢这个，然后我就说，“轮流来吧”
“着什么急”
哦，我的佛祖啊，他找到了Dave Hansen
你在追踪你所有的前男友
然后就不用睡第21个了？
- 什么？- 你想想啊
如果其中有一个成功
那就意味着我的一生就不会被浪费了
是啊，但你不会成功的
应为他们都对不起你过
Dave Hansen，跟你谈过的那个魔术师吗？
这是你的吧
这些都是你的吧
哇，你很效率嘛
这很容易，他有自己的网站
supersexymagic.com
我想我可以找到他
所以你可以消失了
然后错过好戏吗？
不错啊！
好了，我走了
那么快
怎么了？因为他是个吧台招待？
不，是因为他一直是吧台招待
他就站在他九年前站着的地方
一个失业的魔术师睡到中午，然后当吧台招待当到三点
到处撒硬币给人们
还有，他拿着你的25分钱硬币
那又怎样？你本可以为了以前而享受一下啊
即使没有增加“我睡过”的人数
我也在那种人身上浪费不起时间
停！这就是原因吗？
你不想再增加“睡过”的人数，所以你不和我睡
没有，不和你睡的原因多了去了
不多
我不知道为什么你们那么在乎睡过多少个？
你们总有你们心中的理想女孩
如果我们睡过太多，就成为不了了
理想女孩？说说看
你可以把他带回家
她很聪明，但没你聪明，然后他会和你妈妈烤苹果派
和你的弱智妹妹玩传接球游戏
但是当你一个人的时候，她会脱掉她的眼睛
穿着性爱内衣从你侧边挑逗你
那种女孩不存在，如果有，我绝对要睡她
话说回来，什么人会在乎你们睡过多少个啊？
正经的人
嘿，你在干神马！
等……
Amy走掉
昨晚你又上了一个！
“上”这个词好粗糙啊
我们分享了一份浪漫的经历
然后我告诉她，我约了牙医
然后我在你沙发上躲着直到她离开
那么你可以充分利用这段“停工期”来做点实际工作
我在工作啊，我帮你在Facebook上申请了个账号
我不想上“Facebook”，你贴上去些什么照片？
你刚才睡觉的一张照片
我认为这样更好
在你找他们的时候，他们也可以来找你
好吧，但我不要“Twitter”
哦
第14号Evan Slater刚才@你了
他在一张照片上标签了你
他邀请你成为Tito's Tacos的粉丝 （Tito's Tacos：Tito家的墨西哥玉米饼店）
哦，我喜欢Evan
是啊，谁不喜欢墨西哥玉米饼？
他很讨人喜欢
他老婆和孩子也是……
他完全不知道“Facebook”是用来做什么滴！
如果你不把这项工作当回事
你可以滚了
我的咖啡壶呢？
被我(卒瓦)了
如果你用Twitter，你就会知道了
你欠我19.95美元
我用中国菜赔你，怎样？
我定了蓉园餐厅的菜
有小排骨吗？
Ok，我五分钟后到
嘿
嘿，快进来吧
- 哇 - Yeah
我老爹不经常带我去看球
但我们会做很多监视的工作
棒透了
那么，Mike Miller和Eric Hamilton结婚了
Valerio也是，从意大利来的那家伙
- 额……- 要梅子酱吗？
恩，但不要芥末
不要芥末？芥末最好吃了！
除非你讨厌芥末
有关于Jake Adams的事吗？
米有，sorry
我告诉过你，有钱人都很善于保护自己的隐私
耐心点，会找到他的
那么Simon Forester呢？
他分居了，并且房子刚上市
所以我估计他离婚是指日可待了
恩，Ok，就他吧
Simon
Ok，制定个什么计划？一个要离婚的男人……
离婚……
我可以找到他的律师，然后成为那个律师的助理
或者是，简单点，去看看他的open house
恩
一个最近离婚的人所面临的挑战是怎么去找点乐子
你要做的，就是让他性福一辈子
等他意识到自己恋爱了就晚了
所以我就要掩盖拥有完美性爱的物质婚姻这个事实？
- 恩，你会吹喇叭吗？ - 什么？
放松，这是公事，我在帮你
你硬要我回答的话，我很会吹
这方面我还没完全弄明白
我保证他会的，所以跳过吧
好了，我想……是这儿吧
- 准备好了？ - 恩
这儿真不错，Simon做得很好
房地产经纪人去哪儿了？
Hello？
这是……
搞什么J……
- Donald！- Ally！
你他妈来我家干什么？
额……
门开着，我以为是open house
不不不，这是我的房子，你现在在我家
哦，原来如此
我未婚夫Pierre从北极回来的时候
打算和我买套房
嘿，Ally能把照片换给我吗？
哦，抱歉……Oops
那就是令人恶心的Donald
他看起来不恶心啊
我和他谈的那个时候很恶心，可以了吧
天哪，那才是Simon
他离了婚，看起来还是那么棒
在点餐之前
我觉得有必要解释，为什么一个单身、异性恋的男人
会一个人来贝肯山喝茶
恩……
我太想家了，以至于想灭了所有关于英国的东西
Ok，你可以滚了，我可以把他带走了
- 别推我 - 快滚
叫你别推我
- 快点滚 - 我说了叫你别推我
Ally，是你吗，亲爱的？
是你吗？
Simon，你怎么在这？
真巧啊
见到你真好
真的很好
Simon，这是我邻居Colin，但他现在要走了（模仿英音）
我才不走呢
- 很荣幸见到你 - 不，是我我很荣幸
哇
见到你真的……
我们谈恋爱的时候你有那么漂亮吗？
哦，我之后留刘海了（继续模仿英音）
也就是留海，刘海(fringe)就是留海(bangs)
- 美国人啊…… - 他们在展示我的房子
所以一个小时后我就要走了
你想抢这栋房子吗？
有点想呢
再见(cheerio<英,口>分别时表达良好祝愿)，Colin
你是怎么开车开到右边的？（英国开在左边）
把Simon从名单上划掉
怎么了？
我的英国口音有点生疏了，半路上去掷飞镖
说话说出Eliza Doolittle（80后英国歌手）的味道
眼睛盯好了木板
不是，要直射，再高点，好多了
他妈的，我他妈就一傻逼！（继续模仿英音）
你是说你被炒了
是啊，丢了工作并不意味着世界末日
我还有我的朋友和房子啊
我要求不高，有间小屋（窈窕淑女插曲歌词，原文：All I want is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air.我只要那里有间小屋，可以远离夜里的寒气。）
可以远离夜里的寒气（窈窕淑女插曲歌词，原文：All I want is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air.我只要那里有间小屋，可以远离夜里的寒气。）
之后我试图跳出来
由于某种原因，我惊慌失措，然后又满嘴波拉特口音
接着下一轮？
不了，我想我们该回家了
哦，不！我说了半天，但还是一点都不了解你
下一个，Svorgon？
Svorgon？
我跳到了《布偶大电影》里面的那个瑞典厨师
他是我的最爱
Ok，还有哪些人？
我以为不准上这儿来
你没带备忘录吗？
是我写的（带了，在脑子里）
这儿变得越来越挤了，我和我的乐队都在这儿练习
你乐队在哪儿演啊？
在这儿，就目前而言
我妈的朋友在找一个乐队，要做他儿子的受诫礼 （为满 13 岁的犹太男孩举行的成人仪式）
谢了，我们不是那种乐队
那种是赚钱的那种？
我们不要再讨论这件事了
我们还剩10个
来自地中海俱乐部之特克斯和凯科斯群岛的Jay，我在努力，但我需要更多资料
抱歉，现在是春假
Jay可能不是他的真名，就像我不是那个带“I”的Kelli
Barrett Ingold，住在迈阿密
我知道在地理方面不是很理想，但他现在是个医生
算逑，我讨厌迈阿密
我觉得晒多了太阳会变笨
Ok，那么Denver呢？
我找到了一个山人，他有一节守车可以用来搬家了 （山人：特指十八世纪后期至十九世纪前期，美国西部一种白人冒险家及拓荒者。山人的特性是爱好和平、不为追求名誉或利益而探险，与原住民、白人、以及大自然和谐相处；守车，又称望车，是挂在货物列车尾部运转车长乘座的工作车。）
过！他爱呼吸新鲜空气爱疯了！
你知道和那种热爱户外的人去户外运动
还要假装很享受有多累吗？
比装英国人还累？
至少我装英国人的时候，不需要用叶子来擦自己
一针见血！那么Gerry Perry呢？他是个操纵木偶的人，所以他是单身
我不要Gerry Perry
Jake Adams在哪？
- 在Noyaradougou（非洲马里共和国的一个小镇） - 什么？再他妈的什么地方？
非洲
他在经营他家的慈善基金会
他在监督那里一所学校的建筑情况
他会回来吗？
他还是会回来的。但在此期间，有Gerry Perry！
不……
好了，木偶戏2点钟开始，明天公园见
Ok
- 嘿，Colin - 什么？
那个……谢谢你的辛勤工作
非常感谢
是吗？
就是有些时候，难以启齿……
真的吗？
哦……
你在干什么？
想让门砰的一声结束今晚
你真是没女的陪你睡你活不下去了，是吧
实际上，我可以，只是不好玩
你不是我的菜
你只用划掉你“pass”掉的人
把我加进去不就得了
谁的便便？
你的便便！
- 嘿 - 嗨
- 这谁的孩子？ - 我侄子
如果没有个孩子陪我看木偶戏，会很怪的
非常好
- 打个招呼嘛，Justin！- 啊！
他是海盗
你在说什么啊？
- 好了，到你了 - Ok
来吧
- 谢谢Gerry. - 不用谢
Daisy在家吗？
没有
你说他什么时候回家？
- Gerry？- Ally？
- 我的佛祖，你来这儿干嘛？ - 嗨
我帮朋友照顾一下孩子
那么，你看了魔术表演
是啊，孩子喜欢嘛
那是因为我说了很多“便便”
那么？
还记得他吗？
嘿，Smart Alec（自作聪明的人）
嗨
你好吗？
别女里女气的，问问她Daisy的情况
别那么粗糙，伙计
你真粗糙，抱歉了
没事没事
不错，你看起来不错
没有Daisy不错
无视他
说真的
也许我们该交换电话号码，然后叙叙旧
你知道吗？我想我已经叙过旧了
酷！
不过偶遇到你，真是太好了
偶遇到你，真是太好了
- 才不好呢 - 大嘴巴！
再见了
- 嗨，Daisy. - 嘿
Daisy……
我真不敢相信我竟然和他睡过
- Justin呢？ - 这就是啊
这不是Justin
你怎么了？
你妈妈没教过你必要跟陌生人走吗？
是你怎么了？
你没发现你他妈就是一火星人啊？
Justin！
好了，你妈妈长什么样？
想你
Lucas！滚回老娘这儿来！
等等！
我像你妈吗？
回答我！
回答我啊，Lucas！
Lucas！
别玩消失啊，伙计
我不会再买东西给你了，除非你找到Jake Adams
他那么好的话，为什么当初没有继续好下去？
我们做了一个协议：我们都会把处献给对方
但是他大三出国，他走了以后
我就撕毁了协议
和谁？
那20个里面还有谁比Jake Adams更好？
为什么我们不去找他？
你已经找到他了啊
Gerry Perry？
你把你的处献给了个耍木偶的！
我知道，我对不起他
哦，Ally，我低估你了，你真牛逼！
这是关于你我最喜欢的事情！
谢了！
- 嘿 - 嗨
- Eddie来了吗？ - 没有，是妈要来。别跑！
我不能和妈吃饭，我还没洗头呢！
你都让人看不出来了，看起来不错啊
你还没有告诉老妈爸要来参加你的婚礼，是吗？
- 是啊 - 这就是我在这儿的原因
- 恩 - 我的头发很差劲吗？
没有啦，我又不能让她一个人
好吧，把黄油递过来！
嗨，妈
Kitty
酒席承办人打电话给我了
Rick不吃荤到什么程度啊？
就一小点鸡肉可以吗？
可以啦，Rick又不会来，他们掰了
- Daisy！ - 什么？又分了！
- 爸要来参加婚礼 - 什么？
Ally！
肿么能介样对我？
我没怎么啊，妈
除非让我去不了
你不来我婚礼？
你爸要来我就不来
他可以当Allison的男伴嘛
我保证你会度过一个美好的婚礼的！
- 拜，妈 - 拜，妈
- 自己去擦屁股！ - 我回来会跟她说的
- 你去哪？ - 迈阿密，去做子宫颈抹片检查
- 为什么？ - 你还记得Barrett Ingold吗？
扔我们家洗碗机的那个？
他现在是妇科医生
但你讨厌迈阿密
我知道，但在那儿我没有我希望的那么幸运
我要用尽时间、金钱还有能孵化的蛋！
那么，你是在告诉我，追踪你的前男友
比帮我计划我的婚礼更重要啰？
我知道你听起来很蠢，但真的很重要
我觉得其他人都在阔步向前，只有我在原地踏步
我在阔步向前，我真的在
但我感觉你的这次追踪有点二
你知道吗，如果你给你男朋友第二次机会
你绝对不会结婚
此外，我要做子宫颈抹片检查，然后他来做我的保险
我来晚了！我的皮肤色素喷雾剂！
Hello，Allison
Barrett？
我的佛祖啊，是你吗？
嘿
我是Ally！Ally Darling
是SPINNING课程的Ally吗？
不是
是Greg生日Party的ally吗？
我们一起上大学的！
- 我们约会过！ - 哦！
怎样？
那是很久以前了！
现在看看的的情况，挪一挪
很好
Ally，是你啊！
他认出我的洞了！
是怎么了？我是说，我被吓了一跳
我很愿意为你诊断一下
我跑那么远就为这个！
把Barrett从名单中叉掉！
全他妈叉了！
我到底在干嘛？
被炒，花剩下的十分钱去追踪那些白痴
那些和我分过一次的白痴
也许我该退出了
那你悲剧了，因为我找到了Tom Piper
继续
他在特区，如你所说
他现在是Mitchell参议员的助手
我没有政治家的老婆合穿的衣服！
哦！
我有Ann Taylor的信贷！哈哈
嗨
我在你家门口，我想便便！
自己进去，我10分钟后到
嗨
嘿
我的王母娘娘啊！
你不会是裸着坐在我妹旁边吧
幸亏，他要穿着内裤弹吉他
吉他会让他的那根凉快一些
那么，你俩见过了
你记得Tom Piper吗？
Colin发现他在特区，明天我就要去那儿
穿着这个！
好兴奋耶~
那你为什么要穿这种套装啊？
你明天不是要去Sheffield和Bloom面试吗？
这件套装很漂亮
它既适用于爆无聊的面试
也适用于意外的有目的的与未来老公的一次邂逅！ (Sorry guys, because of the period examination, I'm gonna stop here for a while. I'll be back 'til 7,Jan!)
你想过卖掉那些畸形的雕刻吗？ (Sorry guys, because of the period examination, I'm gonna stop here for a while. I'll be back 'til 7,Jan!)
- No, she needs a real job. - Oh, yeah, those are just a hobby.
I think they're amazing.
You should try. Not everyone can do that, you know.
Excuse me, would you mind giving me and Ally
a little bit of privacy, please?
- She has to poo. - Ally!
Hey, hasn't your lady friend left yet?
No, I guess this one's a late sleeper.
Wait. Are you...
Is he hiding out here because there's a woman in his apartment?
He is.
That's it. I'm going to Anthony's Bakery. Excuse me.
Do you want to grab me a cannoli? No?
Okay. Keys.
- Who the hell are you? - Andrea.
He didn't tell you he was engaged?
No. I am so sorry.
When I told him I was engaged, he didn't say anything.
Why?
Tits!
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Why? Why?
Hey, wouldn't it be easier
if you just spent the night at their apartments
and left in the morning, like a normal guy?
No.
I once stayed in a relationship with a girl
because of a picture she had on her bedside table.
It was her dressed as Cinderella on her fifth birthday.
Grab that.
So?
So, every time I tried to split with her,
I'd picture that little girl in the blue dress.
Happy. Excited about Monty, her new gerbil,
who she would later kill by accidentally putting him in the dryer.
Just couldn't break that little girl's heart.
So you're saying it's easier to sleep with girls and never call them again
if you don't know anything about them?
Kind of like a serial killer.
Yeah, I guess so.
Hmm.
Hey, so I talked to Piper's assistant.
He said he's gonna be doing research in the library of the Adams Building
for the rest of the day.
Oh, wait. Hold on. My leg fell asleep on the train.
Pins and needles. Pins and needles.
- Punch it. - Really?
I'm punching.
What? Your leg's never fallen asleep before?
What's that sound?
Nothing.
Hey, I didn't know you were such a big fan of Lionel Richie.
You know, looking at somebody's playlist is like reading their diary.
That's my bathtub.
Donald.
Ally... What are you doing here?
Visiting my fianc?
- Your fianc?who was at the North Pole? - Yep.
He's back. Pierre is back.
Wow. Pierre just happens to be in Washington, D.C.,
the same time that I have a conference?
Yep. He's meeting with the President.
- Oh. What a coincidence. - I know.
It's crazy, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
That's exactly what it is. Okay.
Do you like freedom?
- Sign here for freedom. - Be on our mailing list for George Bush.
George W. Bush. Vote George Bush.
- Get on our mailing list. - Vote for freedom.
No, no, no. It's taken.
It's taken.
Okay, excuse me.
I'm just wondering...
if you could help me move the table about three feet... this way?
I just... I like it better over there.
Great, keep going just a little further.
Go, team. That's fantastic work. Thank you. Almost.
Almost. Almost there. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
Ally Darling.
Tom?
Shh!
Oh, my God! He's taking me to this party tonight.
I offered to stay at the Best Western,
but he insisted on putting me up at the Omni.
He dropped you off at the hotel...
and didn't come up for "it's good to see you" sex?
What'd you do to turn him off?
Nothing. He's a gentleman.
You wore that pantsuit, didn't you?
That pantsuit is sexy. It's very Katharine Hepburn.
All right. Let's clear something up right now.
Katharine Hepburn was not sexy. Audrey Hepburn was sexy.
Katharine Hepburn was a dude.
Well, Tom is just a good guy.
Besides, you wouldn't know a gentleman if he tiptoed up behind you
and tickled your balls.
Hello. Thank you.
I just got a present.
Oh!
He just sent over the most beautiful dress I've ever seen!
I feel like Cinderella.
Careful, if you're not home by midnight, it might turn into a pantsuit.
Wow!
Look at you.
You don't... You don't think it's a little small?
I'm sorry.
It was hard to tell what was going on underneath the pantsuit.
Perfect. You ready?
- Okay. - You all right?
Excuse me.
All right.
- Ready? All right. - Ready.
I feel lucky I feel free
I feel everything's a possibility
I can't believe Senator Phillips and his wife
- were talking to us for, like, 15 minutes. - I know!
He didn't even know my name before tonight.
Now he wants to hear my ideas about the tobacco reform bill.
And she wants to take me out to lunch. Some place with popovers!
We make a great team.
With you by my side, we could own this town.
We could totally own it.
I mean it, Ally.
Look, I have my eyes on a Senate seat, and then the presidency.
Now, if tonight is any indication,
I think together we could go all the way.
- Let's do it! - So, we're doing it?
Yeah!
What are we doing?
We're getting married!
- Oh. - Yeah!
Well,
maybe we should kiss first and see how that goes.
A kiss? No.
I want you to be my beard. I'm gay.
What?
Gay. Like super gay.
Like, one down here, one here, one here, one here, gay.
I thought you knew that.
America's ready for a black President.
They're not ready for a gay black President.
And we have history, Ally.
I mean, I wouldn't have known I was gay if I hadn't dated you.
So, what do you say?
Can I get back to you?
Hey, Bandit.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't move. Stay right there.
What are you doing here?
I'm not depressed enough to sleep with you.
Close your eyes.
- That won't help. - And
open them.
What do you think?
My wiring's a little spotty.
Every time these go on, your bathroom light burns out,
but I think it's worth it.
What did you do?
I think it really brings out the detail, you know?
I never noticed Louie's gold tooth before.
I named him Louie, by the way.
I can't believe it.
This is amazing.
Yeah. Well, you sounded depressed on the phone, so...
You hungry?
I'm starving!
So, I got good news. I found Julie from college.
She is a man now, and she's single.
She's cute. Looks like Ralph Macchio.
You know what?
Even if he were straight, it wouldn't have worked anyway.
You got to be a lady to be the First Lady, and I ain't no lady.
You're a lady. You're lots of lady.
You're once, twice, 20 times a lady.
Okay. Okay.
You're once, twice
Three times a lady
I love you
Yeah, you're once, twice
Three times a lady
I love you
Thank you. Thank you.
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
I either need to lie down or throw up.
You okay?
Yeah. No.
I have to go to my sister's wedding alone.
I'll go with you.
- You'd do that? - Yeah. Why not?
Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I still think I'm gonna throw up.
Let's get some air.
What are we doing?
Just because it's dark doesn't mean you have to whisper.
- Are we in the Garden? - Yep.
This has got to be illegal.
Yeah, probably. I worked here one summer.
I passed out programs and I managed to swipe a passkey before I got fired.
You got fired?
Yeah. There was an incident with the mascot.
What happened?
I may or may not have pissed in his pot of gold.
- Ever played H.O.R.S.E. In the Garden? - No.
But I have played H.O.R.S.E.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Oh! No!
"H" for you, my friend. What are you doing?
We're playing strip H.O.R.S.E. Is there another kind?
There's the kind where you keep your clothes on.
What's fun about that? All right. "H".
Backboard.
Uh-huh.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Nope.
Yeah!
Panty time!
Come on!
That was close. That's an "H".
This is not fair.
I miss one shot, and I'm almost totally naked.
Well, that's the game.
Well, the game is changing.
It's now one-on-one.
This way. Let's go, baby.
Come get it.
Okay. Let's go.
Here we go, here we go Satellite radio
Y'all getting hit with boom boom
Beats so big I'm stepping on leprechauns
Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all with the...
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
I think that dress is gonna look good on him.
It's a good thing you play the guitar, because you suck at basketball.
Well, you can't be good at everything. It just wouldn't be fair.
And I can't believe that you can play Lionel Richie!
I can play a lot of things.
So, how come you don't make a living at it? You're really good.
Ah, I want to play my own music.
Don't you worry about paying the rent?
I don't love marketing, but...
What do you love?
I love making those freaky little sculptures,
but I'm not gonna make any money at that.
How do you know? You've never tried.
I've never jumped into the harbor, either.
Doesn't mean that it's a good idea.
I think it's a great idea.
I think it's the best idea you've ever had.
- No. - Yes.
- No. - Yes!
We are gonna jump in the harbor!
- No. No. No. No. - Let's go.
God! No!
Let's do it!
Holy fuck, this is fucking cold!
This is the worst idea you've ever had!
I can't believe you finally got me naked.
Well, my shirt does look good on you.
Good, 'cause I'm keeping it.
No, you're not. I can't afford to lose anymore shirts.
Women are always stealing my shirts.
Women aren't always stealing your shirts.
They're borrowing them, fully intending to give them back, but you never call.
So, you're saying that if I have fewer one-night stands,
I'll have more shirts?
I think so.
Well, then, that settles it.
I'm changing my ways,
and I'm not gonna lose anymore shirts.
Really?
Really.
In fact, I think I'm gonna take this one back right now.
Good for you.
- Wait. - It's okay, I have one.
No.
I have to slow down.
Okay. Okay, that's fine.
What if I just put it in a little bit? It won't even count.
Eileen says it counts.
What about, like, that much?
That's nothing.
You won't even feel it.
Okay. I understand. That's fine.
But I am gonna keep kissing you.
Hi.
You look so beautiful in the morning.
- I do? - Yeah.
How's this for a slice of awesome?
Mexican wrestling on pay-per-view all day.
I will run to the store and get eggs and salsa for huevos rancheros,
you stay here and whip up margaritas. Sound good?
Shit! I can't! Oh, my God!
Cereal?
No! I'm meeting Daisy.
I'm already late. She hates it when I'm late. Oh, no.
Whoo!
I can't believe Eddie didn't want to pick out these place cards.
Oh, no, no, no. He has terrible taste in fonts.
Have you convinced Mom to come to the wedding yet?
No, and I don't have to,
because you are gonna talk Dad out of coming.
- I am? - Let's face it.
Dad's only coming because he thinks that he has to.
So, why not just let him off the hook and make everybody happy?
It's not a bad idea.
Oh, great! You guys can cast the final vote, we've narrowed it down.
To this one, or this nearly identical one.
Monotype Corsiva.
- How do you know that? - I'm married.
Okay, are we done? Because we want to hear about D.C.
Did you go to the Holocaust Museum?
No, but that would have been more fun.
So, there were no sparks with Tom?
Tom? What happened to Jake? I thought you were looking for Jake.
Jake's in Africa and Tom's gay, but it's okay,
because Colin is gonna be my date for the wedding.
Is that the guy who answered your cell phone
and got mad at me for waking him up at 2:00 in the afternoon?
Yeah. I took his phone by mistake.
You invited Colin? Your rapey neighbor?
Do we call him that?
Just behind your back.
Okay. Well, let's stop because he's actually a pretty good guy.
Oh, Ally.
- What? - You slept with him!
Oh, no!
I did not. I didn't.
Good. Don't.
Because he's not the kind of guy you end up with.
He's the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with.
How do you know? You haven't even met him.
I don't have to meet him. I've had sex with him.
Except his name is Doug, and he's a fucking liar!
Well, I have met him, and he is dangerously sexy.
And if he wanted to come in through the back door, you'd let him.
Don't let him, Ally.
You guys don't need to worry.
I'm not going to let him in any door.
He's just a friend who's doing me a favor.
Honey, I'm home.
So, I TiVo-ed Mexican wrestling for you and I cooked.
They're supposed to be taquitos, they look like cannolis,
but they kind of taste like egg rolls.
What are you doing? Are you working on the diner? All right.
Don't let me bug you.
Hey, so, just out of curiosity, did you ever hear anything from Jake?
Nope.
Really? Not a phone call? Nothing?
Nope.
Okay, well,
I'm kind of busy right now, so I guess I'll just see you later.
Shit! Ally, wait.
- Wait, wait. - Just go.
I don't want to hear anymore lies.
All right, yes. Jake is back in town
and I do have his number, but I didn't think that mattered now.
Would you please just go?
What about last night?
I think we should just forget about last night.
- Because of Jake? - No.
Because you're not the kind of guy I'm supposed to end up with.
What kind of guy am I, Ally?
You're the kind of guy you date before you meet the guy you end up with,
and I've already dated 20 of you.
So, you're gonna try and make it work with Jake,
a guy you haven't seen in years, just so you don't go over the number 20?
It's not just about a number anymore, okay?
- Well, then what is it? - It's what I want!
You don't know what you want, Ally.
You're so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be,
you don't know who you are.
At least I have relationships.
You can't even hang out with a woman for 24 hours without sleeping with her.
That was true until I met you.
Well, I'm sure that if we had slept together, you'd be long gone by now,
because that's who you are, Colin, and that's who you'll always be.
All right. Whatever you say, Ally. You obviously have it all figured out.
And I do know who I am!
I'm someone who's not gonna let another undeserving asshole into my heart!
Or my vagina!
Shut the fuck up!
Stop fucking your dog!
Hi, Jake Adams, it's Ally.
Ally Darling from high school. Go, Vikings.
Um...
I came across your number,
and I thought, "Wow, I should really call Jake
"and leave him a long, rambling message on his voice mail".
Anyway, if you're feeling up to it, you can give me a call anytime.
My number is 617-55...
Oh, my God, I just hiccupped. I'm sorry.
617-55...
All right. Okay...
My number is 617-555-0192. Okay, bye.
Well, who doesn't call that girl back?
Not again.
Who's the surprise guest this time?
I was supposed to have lunch with Dad
to tell him that he didn't have to come to the wedding,
but then he said he was gonna bring his girlfriend.
- Jacinda? - Yeah.
And I just couldn't have that conversation with him in front of her.
So, I just thought, you know, we could do it together.
I am never meeting you for another meal ever again.
You don't mean that.
Ally, I didn't know you were coming. What a nice surprise.
- Hi. - I'm Daisy.
Got all my girls here. I see that you've got one of these, too.
I got a couple for the two of us, so we can text and tweet.
You should follow me on Twitter, "VeryTerry3".
Or we could just talk right now.
LOL.
He is so excited about your wedding. It's all he can text about.
I can't wait for everyone to meet my lady.
Oh, you're coming to the wedding, too?
That's great. That's so great.
- Ally, isn't that so great? - It's great. It's so great.
Oh!
Excuse me for a second.
- Don't go. - We are just fine.
Hold up. Ashton is getting his car washed.
- Nuh-uh. - Lookit.
I am a human rocket
On a mission of deployment
I've been cocked and loaded
Ready for the culmination
I am a human missile
Guided by a secret agenda
That commands my every thoughts and deeds
And wills me on my way
I am a human rocket
On a mission of redemption
I've been cocked and loaded
Primed by everything I know
I am a human missile
Guided by a secret voice
That commands my every thoughts and deeds
And wills me on my righteous way
All right. Great.
Ally.
Jake.
My brothers actually went more into the business side of things,
and when my dad asked me to run the foundation,
it was sort of more of a natural fit for me, you know?
I've always been better at giving away money versus making it.
I'm rambling. I can hear myself totally rambling.
- No. No, no, not at all. - I am. I am.
- I've been doing it all day. - Kind of, but it's interesting.
Hey, what do... I mean, what about you?
Last I heard you were in marketing, right?
Yeah. I'm actually in between jobs right now.
Well, listen, say the word.
I mean, I can get you an interview over at Adams in two seconds.
Oh, thank you.
But you know what? I'm actually... I'm thinking about making a change.
A change? Oh, yeah? What would you do?
I make these clay sculptures.
They're sort of these freaky little urban scenes.
They're kind of hard to explain. I'd really have to show you.
I'd love to see them.
Really?
They're in my shower.
Then I guess we're done here.
See. This is where they dry.
Wow. They really are in your shower.
Yep.
Did I tell you that he speaks four different languages,
but he's so not obnoxious about it?
And he's still so goddamn handsome, and he smells so fucking good.
It's crazy.
He's taking me to a gala at the Institute of Contemporary Art,
and then I think we're going to go...
Whoa. That's not your dress.
Yeah. Yeah, I know, I just...
Yeah, I just like this one better, 'cause there's just...
You know, it's more comfortable. There's just more room to...
To eat and to move, and to... To dance.
Okay.
I couldn't breathe in my other dress!
A bride should be able to breathe in her own fucking dress!
Sorry, I just am feeling really stressed out right now
because I don't know how I'm going to convince Mom
to come to my wedding,
because our dad is bringing our new mommy,
- and she's not... - Stop.
I will go with you to talk to Mom, and you don't even have to trick me. Okay?
Now, are you sure you can breathe in this dress?
Okay, then do that.
It's really not gonna be that bad.
We're gonna loosen her up. We're gonna ease into it.
It's gonna be great.
If you say so.
Mom?
I don't believe you!
When were you planning to tell me about all this?
Hmm?
- Uh... Now? - That's why we're here, Mom.
I have to read about it in a magazine?
You and Jake Adams.
Are you an item?
Yes?
Did you just squeal, Mom?
I don't know. I'm out of my body right now.
Is it serious?
It could be, but we're taking it slow.
Do you really have that luxury?
I want to make sure that it's right.
Oh, it doesn't get any more right than Jake Adams.
This is your life, Ally, don't get creative.
When I saw you two in that magazine,
I went and found some old photographs.
Just look at this.
I knew he was the one.
Aw.
Tell me, Ally, is he gonna be your date to the wedding?
Is he, Ally?
Yes.
Oh!
Oh, I got to get the seating chart.
So, you're still gonna come to the wedding,
even though Dad's gonna be there, too?
Of course, darling.
My baby only gets married once.
Right?
I am so proud of my girls.
Seating chart. Seating chart.
Where's the little seating chart?
Do we tell her about Jacinda?
No. I think we quit while we're ahead.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye, Mom.
What?
...and get you drunk
So I can have my wicked way with you
I'm just being honest
'Cause I know the other guys are thinking just the same way too
I really love Japan.
Really?
- Are those mini cheeseburgers? - Yes, they are.
May I? Thank you.
You didn't want one?
No, I'm okay. Thank you.
Mmm. These are excellent mini cheeseburgers.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you.
Show me some skin I might bite it
I wanna have my wicked way with you
So I'm not gonna come over and meet your mom and dad
They know that I was bad
I'm just thinking of three hours or more
So I can have my wicked way with you
My wicked way with you
- Colin, hi. - Hi.
Fancy meeting you here, dressed all fancy.
Where you off to?
A wedding.
You, too, right? Today's Daisy's big day.
Yeah.
Wow. You're going to a wedding, too. That's weird.
Whose wedding?
Nobody you know.
Oh.
Is it like a date or something? Are you seeing somebody?
Don't worry about it, Ally.
Don't drink too much champagne.
Hey, is my hair too high?
Oh, no, honey. It's perfect.
- Is it going on? - The dress doesn't fit.
- Okay. - Why isn't it zipped?
Can I get some help here?
Where's my Croissan' Wich?
Did somebody eat my Croissan' Wich?
No, honey. Nobody did. You just relax, okay?
Katie, Jamie, find Daisy's Croissan' Wich.
- Okay. On it. - Got it. Okay.
Okay, listen,
- I don't want anyone to panic but... - What's happening?
- The harpist isn't coming. - I had a harpist?
She broke her finger during the philharmonic softball league playoffs,
and given that this is one of the busiest wedding weekends of the year,
all the other harpists are booked.
Oh, Christ. Why is this happening to me?
I got a list of all the other weddings happening in the city
and found a replacement who can be here as soon as her first wedding is over.
And if she doesn't show, I play the horn.
Now let's get this girl married, huh?
Daise, I got it.
Please rise for the bride.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the union
of Daisy Ann Darling and Edward Michael Vogel.
Getting to know Daisy and Eddie has reinforced my belief that,
while love is universal,
every couple is unique.
Daisy Darling, today I make these vows to you.
I will never rhyme "crazy" with "Daisy,"
Even if I mean, like, "crazy good".
I will not blow my nose in the shower.
I promise to always consult you before getting a haircut
and to never grow a mustache.
- Or a soul patch. - No.
I will not blame you for the bad decisions you make in my dreams.
I will keep an eye on that suspicious freckle on your back,
even though I'm really sure it's nothing.
And I will not get mad at you about everything
when I'm only really mad at you about one thing.
By the power vested in me,
I am happy to pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I'm holding a heart here in my hand
Hey, hey, hey
My own work of art
Here where I stand
Hey, hey, hey
I can see clearly now The rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
- Quite a party. - Yeah, it sure is.
Hold on. I have to tweet about this.
And hi there.
Your mom always did have a great laugh.
I'm just glad she's happy.
Are you happy?
Yeah. Of course.
Your mom only wants what's best for you, you know.
I know.
Unfortunately, she thinks what's best for you is being exactly like her,
only you're not, Ally.
You may have her looks, but you have my rhythm, kid.
I'm afraid it's a little offbeat.
I guess that explains why she's always disappointed in me.
I think it's hard for her to look at you and see so much of me.
Thanks for the time
That you've given me
Uh, may I?
Why not?
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
God, I'm sorry. I just couldn't slow-dance with your mother.
No, that's okay.
I think the last time we slow-danced was prom night.
Yeah. Yeah, it was. I remember that.
I believe that was also the night where you finally gave me the honor
of making you unfit for every other man in the village.
Oh, boy.
You're once, twice
Three times a lady
I know this isn't the ideal place to tell you, but I want to be honest.
You weren't my first.
I wasn't?
No, I'm sorry.
Well, so you've been with two guys in your life. Big deal.
More like two times 10.
Right. Like you've had sex with 20 guys. Yuck.
Gross.
Well, all right. I may not have been your first, but maybe I'll be your last.
Why? Are you gonna rape and kill me?
No, but I'm gonna kiss you.
With every beat
Of my heart
You're once
Come with me for a second.
Twice
Three times a lady
So, how does dinner in Milan and breakfast in Paris sound?
Starchy.
I've got to do a little traveling for the foundation,
and I'd love it if you came with me.
- Seriously? - Mmm-hmm.
- For how long? - Six months.
I know it sounds like a long time, but you're in-between jobs
and your little sculpture things can wait.
And if you think about it, the only thing that's keeping you in Boston is me,
and I'm leaving.
It's time.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
And I love you
Join me.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
When Daisy and Eddie first got together,
I have to admit I was a little bit nervous.
I could tell that it was serious,
and I thought that the closer she got to him,
the further away she'd get from me,
but that didn't happen.
Not only do I see more of Daisy,
I see a happier, even better Daisy.
It's like with Eddie she's
completely herself.
When you're a big sister, it's your job to teach your little sister everything.
How to ride a bike,
how to lie to your parents.
How to kiss.
Not with tongue. Settle down, Uncle Charlie.
But I never thought
about what my little sister could teach me until right now.
So, I want to thank you, Daisy.
Thank you for teaching me
that being in love means being yourself.
To Daisy and Eddie!
- You were great. - Can we talk?
Yeah. Absolutely.
That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh
Oh, shit.
What's going on? Are you okay?
Jake, there actually is something here in Boston that's really important to me.
And as much as I want to travel the world,
I'm not sure I want to do it with you.
Which is insane, I know, because you're perfect.
But you're not perfect for me,
and I don't think I'm perfect for you.
I'm so sorry, Jake.
If I had been honest with myself earlier,
or ever,
I wouldn't have put you through all this.
Yeah, well, that would have been preferable.
Right. I don't think I'm gonna stick around for the cake. Excuse me.
It's really good.
Okay.
Where's... Where's Jake going?
- Sir, champagne? - He's leaving.
What? In the middle of the reception? Why?
Because I never should have brought him here in the first place.
You're gonna let him go?
Oh, Ally, I... I don't understand you.
Ally, why? Why are you doing this?
Honey, you were finally happy.
No! You were finally happy.
I don't wanna marry Jake Adams.
- That's not who I am. - Oh, my...
I'm a jobless whore who's slept with 20 guys,
and I want to be with somebody who appreciates that about me.
You may not understand me, Mom, but you don't have to.
All you have to do is love me.
I know that I'm not perfect, but that's why you have Daisy.
My dress is too tight because I'm four months pregnant.
- What? - What?
Oh!
You're pregnant?
Yes. Now get out of here.
Thank you.
Surprise!
I'm gonna be a grandmother. I'm gonna be a grandmother.
All the drinks are sitting here on your tray.
What is the matter with you? Is this too difficult?
Kevin, where's that list you had of all the other weddings
- going on in the city today? - It's right here.
Okay, thank you.
Goddamn. Damn it!
Hi.
Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
Well, every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
Colin!
I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say
Oh, come on!
Blessed be this union and may it bear fruit.
Colin! Colin!
Blue car, keys are in it.
Get the fuck outta the road!
Hey, watch it, lady.
Shut up, you asshole!
Sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
Thank you.
You can help yourself to some pepperoni.
Miss, your name?
Uh...
I...
I'm... I'm sorry.
Hi, everyone. Hope you're all having a good time tonight. I know we are.
This next song is a local band. Hope you enjoy it.
I don't mind you coming here
And wasting all my time
'Cause when you're standing oh, so near
I kind of lose my mind
This is bullshit.
Why didn't I just wait for him at his apartment?
And wasting all my time
Fuck!
- Fuck! - Fuck!
I don't mind you hanging out
And talking in your sleep
It doesn't matter where you've been
As long as it was deep Yeah
Always need to wear it well
You look so fancy, I can tell
I don't mind you hanging out
And talking in your sleep
I guess you're just what I needed
I needed someone to feed
Someone to...
I need to talk to you
- Right now - I needed someone to feed
Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
Okay, everybody, we're just gonna take a quick break.
Why don't we get those toasts started?
So, papa bear, come on up here.
Hello, everyone, and thank you all for coming out tonight...
Fuckity fuck! Fuckity fuck! Fuckity fuck!
What're you doing here, Ally?
I have a speech that I wanna make to you,
but I was afraid that I was gonna forget it.
So, I figured it would be easier to drive, bike,
and run across town in my high heels so I could tell you right now.
What's the speech?
Well, the gist of it was,
I'm sorry.
- That's it? - No, wait, there's more.
I...
I'm happiest when I'm being myself, and I'm myself when I'm with you.
That was it.
I guess I was just so afraid that you were another asshole
that I became the biggest asshole of all.
You weren't an asshole. I was an asshole.
I should have given you Jake's number, I just...
I didn't think I could compete with that.
There's no contest.
You're the most decent guy I've ever met.
I think I love you, 21.
I love you, too.
- Three hundred and... - No!
Hey, Kelli, Kelli with an "I". What's up?
It's Jay from Club Med Turkoise.
I got a weird message from your assistant,
and I just wanted to let you know, we never had sex.
Uh, you did this awkward striptease involving maracas,
and then gave me a shitty hand job.
You claimed it was something you like to do called "dry style,"
vomited in my suitcase, and then you passed out in the shower.
So, yeah, we never slept together.
You're number 20! I'm still at 20!
I can't believe it! You are number 20!
Yes!
It will outlast everything You think is set is stone
It goes on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on
Buzzing like neon lights
Can you feel my love?
Loud and clear Pulls you near
Can you feel my love?
We got all the memories So much more we can see
Better than a first kiss Snow falling at Christmas
Like sleeping in on Sunday Laughter we never faked
Bob Marley in summer One love for each other
Oh, it feels like...
Fireflies Day and night
Can you feel my love?
Everyone is looking for a special connection
But it's like your compass points a million directions
Do you need me to buy you a telescope so you can see
How good this could be
Buzzing like neon lights
Can you feel my love?
Loud and clear Pulls you near
Can you feel my love?
We got all the memories So much more we can see
Better than a first kiss Snow falling at Christmas
Like sleeping in on Sunday Laughter we never faked
Bob Marley in summer One love for each other
Oh, it feels like...
One love for each other